As a child I had a strong loyalty to Viacom's Nickelodeon and, when I turned nine and resolved that I was too old for Nicktoons, MTV. I avoided the Disney channel until I was, in fact, too old, and at 16 became obsessed with the show Even Stevens. It was definitely rooted in a strong sexual attraction to the character Louis Stevens, played by Shia Labouef, but I was still watching the show religiously. I laughed at all of his on-screen jokes the way I would on a date.
Able to recognize the love of my life anywhere, I saw Shia Labouef in a car as we drove by it in Malibu. He was wearing big, black sunglasses but still looked as virginal as ever. I instantly texted Malomar, who responded with, "Thank God for the beef," the translation of his half-Hebrew, half-French name to English.
Malomar, in my absence, has been funneling romantic comedies. I blamed it on the time I left Prime on in my room while I drank heavily but she told me today that isn't right. In fact, she explained, she was angry with that movie for its sullenly-plausible, optimistic-but-not-actually-happy ending, and in turn, refuses to re-watch it. I don't know if I'm a cine-snob or just a weird boy but when she talks about romantic comedies, I involuntarily cringe and quickly cover my mouth.
Today Toe-by Ass and I went on a tour of the Columbia Tri-Star movie studios, which were recently purchased by Sony. On the wall of a large lot was a paper poster that read, "Parking Reserved for Shia Labouef." The tourguide asked if anyone knew who he is and I became flushed and then shrugged like, Yeah I Saw Holes A Few Times. The tourguide then noted that Shia Labouef is starring in the production of a Transformers movie.
"Like the fucking toy!" I yelled to Mia.
"It was a show, too."
"Yeah, you know," she began to move her out-stretched fists up and down, chanting, "Transformers, robots in disguise..."
Thinking back to a group discussion we had had on guilty pleasures in our senior year of high school, I wanted to text Upchuck and Fatty about the movie. However, I soon remembered that they had listed Animorphs as their guilty pleasure, not Transformers.
scoobydrewbie: i do ALSO love the transformers
I recalled stating that the Beach Boys were an embarassing favorite of mine but no one was impressed and most people openly love the Beach Boys.
"O.K., fine," I groaned. "I also really love First Wives Club."
Everyone started laughing, but whatever; they don't own me.
Malomar started groaning when I told her that First Wives Club is my favorite romantic comedy. "I'm sorry. That does not fly with me."
"But it has all of the elements! It's funny and it's sad and there are love interests."
"It can't be a romantic comedy if it's about divorce."
"But Bette Midler and the guy from Clueless almost get back together again! At the end! Plus it's a completely ludacris plot, just like all romantic comedies."
"What-ever. It's not a romantic comedy and you know that."
I left out that there is even a single, unexplained musical number, just like in My Best Friend's Wedding [which was produced by Columbia Tri-Star.]